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THE Cleanse


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THE Cleanse


 

The Cleanse Trend

There’s one word to describe people doing juice cleanses, or lemonade cleanses, or hot sauce cleanses.

Suckers.

But you? You’re no sucker. You’re like me. You’re awesome. Hell, you’re awesome with a side order of fucking fantastic. Because you know that nothing cleans out your system like beer. Sure, it's dangerous. Yes, it can literally kill you. But beer is can cleanse. This was a key learning from my college days, after many nights of downing cheap beers. Overdo it, and you’ll be on the crapper cleansing the next day. Really overdo it, and you’ll be “reverse cleansing” that night.

And the great thing? As I've grown older and, arguably, wiser, I've learned that you don't have to limit yourself to crappy beer. All beer has this cleansing effect. Short on cash? Go ahead and try Schaeffer or Schlitz (do they still make either of these?). Just got promoted? Well, live it up, my friend. Track down your favorite microbrew and go to town.

 
 
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HOW?


HOW?


How do you do the Great Beer Cleanse?

Buy some beer and drink it. And drink it until you are clean. Only you will know when this is. You are key to the process.

Here’s the "Great" part of The Great Beer Cleanse: it doesn’t just clean your insides. It also cleans your mind.

The perfect amount of beer is like releasing a tiny little butler inside your brain, letting him scrub your amygdala and hippocampus with an equally tiny toothbrush and a bucket of Mr. Clean. Just be careful not to let him anywhere near your cerebellum, because that can get really itchy, and the only way to scratch it is to think about sandpaper. Also, Tiny Butler can totally hijack your consciousness. Should this happen, you will remember little of the evening, whilst you speak with an accent of undetermined origin. You've been warned.

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THE OPTIONS


 

THE OPTIONS


 

One-Night Cleanse
You’ve had a hard day at work, and you just feel dirty inside. Maybe it’s from the shitty lunch your company provided for that big meeting. Or maybe it’s just because your boss is a mega-douche and you feel dirty doing his or her bidding. Whatever it may be, the One Night Cleanse may be the answer. Get to a bar and order something delicious. Try to have at least one beer per hour (individual needs vary) until the dirtiness of your day slips your mind.

Weekend Cleanse
It was a long, long week. Everyone you work with is a total dick, you’re underpaid, and frankly the whole world can bite your ass and choke on its plump meatiness. The only thing that can erase Monday through Friday is spending Saturday and Sunday struggling to stay on a bar stool. This is a marathon, friend, and you're going to have to pace yourself. Too fast, and you'll end up in a hospital. Too slow, and all you're really doing is taking in calories. But do it right, and you'll cleanse your brain enough to make it back to the office on Monday ready to scrape through another week. 

Just-Got-Dumped Cleanse 
Whether it was a new relationship, a significant relationship, or ten miserable years that you'll never get back, sometimes you need a cleanse that goes on and on and on. Because you need to forget. And somewhere in that pesky brain is the brain cell that holds the memory of that formerly special someone. And goddammit, that brain cell has to die. This version of the cleanse is dangerous and may result in multiple Tiny Butler Hijackings. It is not recommended to do this cleanse without the supervision of a good friend. 

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Your Life, Only Better


Your Life, Only Better


The Benefits of the Cleanse

Many people claim that after a few days of juice cleansing (yech!), they feel great. But let me promise you this: after just a few hours of beer, you’ll feel even better. None of this “days” crap. A couple of cold IPAs will kick the dick out of a bottle of juice. 

Ok, so sure, you might not feel great the morning after. But don’t most good things in life come with tradeoffs? Do you think a mother feels perfect the morning after birthing a child? Do you think she’s like, “Oh, my Greater Womb Area feels awesome, let’s do that again!” No. No, she’s not like that at all. 

So there are two ways we can proceed from here. We can either follow my logic and drink beer, or we can follow your logic and actively participate in the slow but steady fall of humankind. My advice is: stop being so selfish and drink up. 

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Normal or Reverse?


Normal or Reverse?


Toilet Cleansing vs. Reverse Cleansing 

The Great Beer Cleanse provides two ways to “cleanse.” The “Toilet Cleanse” typically comes the morning after a night of Pre-Cleansing (beer enjoyment). The “Reverse Cleanse” is a more aggressive approach, where one opts to Pre-Cleanse until one’s stomach decides to rid itself of its contents. Many Beer Cleansers choose to eat something delicious yet fattening, like buffalo wings, on Reverse Cleanse nights.

So which is better? Well, I can’t advocate frequent reverse cleansing. Frankly, it’s a waste of money, especially if you’ve been drinking good beer. Plus, drinking to the point of regurgitation is good for neither your throat, your liver, nor your soul. And yes, drinking beer affects your soul. The better the beer, the better your soul will feel.

That said, the cleanse is a dangerous mistress, no matter which version you choose. It's probably not very good for you at all, health-wise. But neither is living on juice.

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Credentials?!?


Credentials?!?


What Makes Me the Expert? 

Uhm, well, did you have this awesome idea? No, you didn’t. You’re sitting there on your cozy couch eating Easy Cheese-stuffed Bugles – and if you’re not then what are you waiting for? – while I’m here thinking up greatness. I thought of it. Therefore, by a little something called “default,” I am the expert.

Plus, and I can’t make this clear enough, I enjoy beer.  And math proves my theory to be correct. Math! And math is never wrong. See: 

Advanced Beer Theory
B = A (2E +R)/A
As we see, we divide by A, which gives us:
B = 2E + R
This can also be expressed thusly: 
B = EE + R 

And there you have it. You can't argue with math*. 

* I am not good at math. I make no guarantees that my math is accurate. Please show your work when doing math or you may not receive full credit for your solution.